Little and Big plans have failed, but . . .
My days are now somewhat bizarre and obscure for some reason. I do not feel much stability but trying to really cope and regain a sense of the lost again.
It is true I really feel something is lost or not within my grasp. I've always managed to cope with very difficult and awkward situations that have escalated after the age of 20, especially after a car accident I had (on my 20th birthday 1994). It was a serious one, but Allah is merciful. I will not get into these details, even though I wish I can take them all out, but cannot. I hate feeling restrained, but sometimes when your life is directly connected with others and harm that befell you was directly connected to "dear and close" people, and yes I do call them dear because no matter what happened from them, they were always dear to me and still are. I was angry and sad at the suffering I went through both to their wrong doings and mine too. I must admit, we do mistakes knowing they are wrong, at least I admit that regardless of any wrong doings they were mistakes, but I really feel very strong they were a negative and unwanted reaction to what I was receiving from others, besides I was young, vulnerable, and literally and practically ALL ALONE in terms of human support. God was and is always around, but it all depends on what level of faith we are in and at that time I strongly believe that His mercy and love of mankind was what got me through and nothing else!
I do say it quite confidently though, that my share of mistakes was directly a result of the wrong doings towards me from close kin. What makes me quite confident is many older people told me so, and once my uncle (mom's brother) told me the same, so I am not just making my own judgments here. I was young and did not have anyone by my side much. At least for some years I didn't, many of the some I mentioned are not few in the thirty one God granted me and still counting insha'Allah. I always felt I was alone and sometimes still do. I never had any gentle touch except from my father where kin is concerned, but many from outsiders, is that not strange? But it was a blessing. Dad has always been so kind and tender, but sad to say passive in a sense, and that caused many problems to arise as I grew. I love him immensely despite his passiveness. Maybe because he is so kind hearted.
Believe me I have no clue why I am writing this down. Maybe it is because I am going through too many events. Everyone's capabilities of coping with tasks are different. I am not too great of a multi tasked person. I like perfecting things. I am capable of doing "a few" things all at the same time, but I do not usually like to do so. What can I say; the conditions we all live in now force us to do handle many things all at the same time. Oh God, please do give me the strength to perfect things as best as I can in terms of human capabilities, especially the bringing up of my son and many other things, most important of which is worship, berr el waledein (the ties with parents in all aspects), selat al ra7em (ties with family), creating and maintaining good relationship with people and being productive in this world (i.e. investing well for my after life).
I do not recall that any of my life stages were exactly smooth, even child hood. My entire life was strange. (Sigh) … Al Hamd Lillah. (thank God for everything) of course, I am much better off than other people. But my standards of judgment concerning this matter rely on certain provided conditions, which accordingly should have lead to a more stable life. But it was not.
I do thank God that I am somewhat psychologically stable, although I know not completely, but considering what I went through, Yes I may say I am psychologically alright (I think, am I even allowed to say that? Hehe, whatever!).
I do however have the best Psychologist and problem shooter (I keep reminding myself of that every now and then, well in my daily five prayers)…. I have ALLAH, we all do. I just need to keep on asking for more patience, to keep my connection strong and that is what I am striving to do. I know for fact God has been generous with me despite my moments of weakness and sins (old, new and hopefully not anymore terrible stuff to come).
I sometimes really wonder how ungrateful and disobedient we creatures can be, yet He still keeps us alive. That alone proves one of His great mercies upon us; many of us (including myself of course) do forget during the heat of some moments and sometimes for a very long time and sometimes forever (I do pray that never happens to any of you nor me!).
Does He not own our souls? Why do many of us forget that, why do I personally fall into weakness or despair at heats of moments despite my unshakable faith in His Power and will? It is no doubt that evil Satan and the weak self within lead to that. I pray God helps us all overcome those moments. We are a blow of His soul, it is His, and to it, its return!
Allahomma Ighfirly ma la ya3lamoun waj3alni khayran mima yathounoun!
Oh Allah forgive me what people do not know about me, and help me be better than what they think of me.
Allah sataar… God protects us by not exposing us to others. Sub7an Allah, people cannot know exactly anything that we don't want them to know, but HE does! It is His merciful way of protection, to give us chances to repent and better ourselves. By the way, as I write this I am getting goose bumps all over!
I just felt I wanted to take these feelings out. I know they may be vague to all of you, but I just wanted to take them out here.
By the way, dad is progressing slowly. But thank God he is. Maybe one of the reasons I am down is I haven't been able to go to him for the past four days, but I finally managed to go today. Maybe that was one of the reasons making me feel so down. It was a teaser, hearing him over the phone struggling to tell me something, or trying hard to say something. I swear I am feeling so much gratitude to God for his mercy on dad, but I cannot help but feel so sad for him.
I do love you Oh Allah
But I sometimes get so weak and fragile
Help me help myself,
Help me stay on the right track,
Forgive my weaknesses and please do not send the angel of death while I am in such a miserable state.
Amen Amen Amen
Please pray for me and all people to die while doing any act of satisfaction to please God, not to die in disbelief, or while in the midst of a shameful act.
Please pray for me to die while praying, or giving charity or doing anything that will meet God's satisfaction and mercy. Pray with me for my sins to be forgiven, for my weak self to strengthen, for me to see my son a good raw model of a Moslem man. Pray for Omar to be amongst those who may help the non Moslems to understand the beauty of Islam. Pray that I live to deliver what I can to Omar, which will help him lead a faithful, respectable and successful life.
I am feeling better at this very moment, but I still do need your prayers.
Astaghfiru Allah men shari da3f al nafs. I seek forgiveness from the evil of the weak self and from Satan.
The text on the photo
reads as follows (just in case not readable enough):
The little plans I tried to carry out have failed O' Dear God.
But I will not sorrow I will pause a little while and try again!
(in Dalulla's case also big ones, hmmm but never the less, thank God- this part is not in the text though hehe)
Wa 3asa an takraho shay2oun wa howa khayroun lakom,
Wa 3asa an tou7ebo sha2an wahowa sharon lakom!
(we sometimes may hate or dislike things whilst there is good in them,
and we may also desire things that are no good for us! a close explaination but not exact)
posted by Dalulla at 12:27 AM
9 Comments:
I liked the prayer "Allahomma Ighfirly ma la ya3lamoun waj3alni khayran mima yathounoun!"
this is one of my favourites as I always worry when people thinks about me what I feel I am much less.
"Allah sataar… God protects us by not exposing us to others. "
Sometimes I feel by God's so much mercy on being Satar on us , that is why I belive that no one makes a mistake from the first time and he get exposed to people, because God is very merciful and satar as well.
I always believe and there is a hadith that whenever some one makes a mistake , he /she should never go and expose themselves to people because God already didnt expose them ...so they might be able to repent.
Take it easy ya dalia , from what you write , you might be stressed , but through what you write you also discover that every the difficult situtation , something good occurs afterwards ISA.
The part about not exposing oneself is true, it is a great option God told us of. Not many people would understand "forgiveness" or "understanding weakness" on the contrary some societies condemn people and that does not help them to lead a healthy life, and sure does not make repentence easy either. Yes one may be persistant and all, but People make it more difficult.
So Glory be to Allah the all compassionate the all Merciful.
Good does always prevail out of things we may see as painful or whatever. It is true, that is what i learned through the years ya roora. But the reason for posting was my way of encouraging myself and asking for additional duaa. I do know for fact that there are so many warm hearted people out here and i consider them all friends now, God bless them all for all the support they have provided me.
Al hamd lillah i am better today...
Thank you ya Roora.
Please remember Dalulla, that you are only human and although you have great faith, sometimes you will doubt. Sometimes you will struggle. Sometimes you will be angry. Sometimes you will make mistakes. We are all imperfect creatures. Although I know we have differing views regarding religious ideology, I know we both believe in one Great Spirit, the One who created all that there is, God or Allah whatever name we use. As we have been created by the God, God knows and understands our weaknesses and we are forgiven for them. God knows we will question at times and we are still loved. Keep the faith.
I'm so happy that your father continues to make progress. Trust me, it is such a positive sign for his recovery. It will be a struggle and there may be setbacks but these first few months are critical. It will probably be a very difficult time for you and your family but six months from now these early dark days will seem very far away. You'll be amazed at how far he has come.
We were given little hope for my father. He was hospitalized for several weeks and when he was released my mother was advised to put him in a nursing home, that is how badly he was doing. He could not walk or say a single word. He could not even dress himself or get out of bed alone. Now he can walk short distances with the help of a cane; feed, dress, and toilet himself; write words and ideas on paper (which is really amazing since he was right-handed before. His right arm is nearly totally paralyzed now. After his stroke he relearned to write with his left hand); my father uses a computer to read the news and play games; he washes dishes; cooks in the microwave; can say ten or so words. After his stroke he did not remember my name. Now he remembers my name, my birthdate, the names and ages of my kids, and all of the trouble I caused as a child. My point in telling you all this, Dalulla, is that if my dad can have recover as much as he has, your father will likely do even better.
I know it is hard. It's good that you have such deep faith. You will need it. Love and best wishes to you.
Jane,
I really do not know what to tell u or how i can possibly thank you for your support and feelings. God bless your dad, mine and all others out there. It must have been much more difficult for you.
God is kind Jane and It is the faith that is really helping. I am just trying not to give in, in terms of giving in to the weakness itself.
The problem is the stress is coming from all directions. I am human like evey one else, and i do get weak at times, but maybe what is making it more difficult are the close people around who should have a different attitude but don't. They only increase the weight. God forgive them and forgive me.
I thought the stress will set back at some point of my life, when i thought that i would have someone to back me up at times of difficulty but i was not really right. The stress has increased and now a days especially i don't get the chance to have any breaks.
On my last comment to roora i was begining to somewhat find some little peace, but again Mr.Stress came back very strong. Thank God for every thing, i am still hanging in there and i have to thank you and others because u have been a great source of support and yor comments help me cope along with the faith I have been blessed with. I'm trying to cope with the ongoing sources of stress as best as i can. I truely feel very fatigued, yet still coping so far.
The past couple of days have been an extreme weight on my heart, mind and body. I get very little sleep, have so much to do and very little time to do it. Now it is almost midnight and i am terribly tired, but i logged on to check if i recieved any doses of generating support. And thank GOD i found your comment and Muslim mama's at a time when i was desperate for some encouragement.
Muslim mama,
I totally understand my dear and all u said was absolutely true, but as i mentioned i am human and thank God, i am really hanging in there because of Allah primarily but i cannot deny that the comments do help me get through. I do seek help from Allah the almighty, but the comments really do help as well, and i believe that people's support like yourseld, Jane and others are God' ways of support as well.
M.M. I cannot go into details of any sorts, I really wish i can but can't and will not because as u mentioned being careful is what i am trying to do, but sometimes i really need to get it out, I know i have mentioned some things, but i felt i had to. I wish i were strong enough to keep it to myself, but I am really overloaded.
Some years back I had a problem moving my left side. and another when i could not speak straight for almost a month. the time when i could not move my left side, a friend had to carry me to the doctor. She luckily had a key to my apartment at the time. I had a feeling something bad would happen and i had asked her to keep it with her and sub7an Allah it came in handy.
MM i know lots of people have so many problems some much worse than mine. But the thing is everyone has their own things to deal with and have to face them.
The doctor told me i should not trap things inside, because at the time that was what i was doing to a great extent. But i was not at the same level of knowledge about faith issues and duaa as i am now. But i can't help it. I will explode if i don't take some of it out! I was told i may get paralized. That does scare me since it happened for short periods with my left arm and leg and with my tongue the second time. I do fear it may happen again, I pray it does not, Wallahi only for Omar's sake. I have hope in Allah.
I do pray God helps me to be a stronger and more faithful person than i am now. That is why when i write i try not to speak in details, although i need to, but really fighting it because i know it would not be right.
Please do pray that I be better, at least that the stress would lessen as i feel i am about to pop. I keep thinking of my son and all I ask Allah for, is to keep me going for him. I really want to live to raise him the way i want which is not something i find that any of those around me is aware of in terms of the ways. God is his protector and mine and all other people. I just pray for patience and strength.
I cannot concentrate much and i am struggling to. I am at the peak of my sorrow right now, yet i am forced to even trap my tears and not show my sorrow because if i did things might get worse, If and when i need to cry i have to do that alone. However struggling to hang in there and so far i am but again, really fatigued to a great extent.
My tears are trapped because i have to trap them not because i want to. I am not allowed to cry and that is very difficult. Even when i am alone now and i want to release them, i sometimes can't and believe me that really causes me more and more pain. Right now i want to let them out, but am unable to and i have no clue why, but my heart aches physically.
YA SAMAD! Anata 7asby wa wakeely, ighfirly ya rab waj3alny men al sabirat al thakirat. Allahomma ajerny fe mosibaty wakhlofny khayran menha wardiny bema kasamtaho li ya rab al 3alameen! Ameen Ameen Ameen
Oh Allah (Alsamad -the one and only true source of support) You are my one true source of support and refuge, forgive me my Lord and help me be amongst the pateind and always in rememberence of You. Oh lord i seek your support for my crises and change it to the better and bless me with the acceptance for what ever YOU have destined me for me. Amen Amen Amen
My dear muslim mama,
You by no means hurt me in any way whatso ever, on the contrary everyone including yourself have been angels with me. I was just trying to explain the situation.
I totally believe in what you said about the invasion and protection of homes and personal privacy. I do admit i am outspoken, but i do try at the same time to protect certain issues from being exposed fully since they usually concern other parties. But now a days i am really down. Maybe before when i was alone, it was not that bad.
What makes it difficult is when u have people around and they do not sense the pain u go through despite it showing obviously. And not only that, but adding to it in such an inconsiderate manner.
I was just being lectured about the oddest thing before i began writing this comment. It is so awkward the way people think.
My cousin's engagement is today, and I am going, I did not call my uncle to say mabrouk, I just called my cousin. I am terribly out of focus and many things drop out from me, but it is not a crime, I am going insha'Allah to attend the engagement even though my son is sick! And that is not enough I was told, I was told i am insensitive and do not know ethics any more just because i only called my cousin and not my uncle and his wife.
What i am going through these days from pressure is really making me not concentrate enough. My son is sick, it was his first week of nursery and i was practically on the streets through out the period he was attending just incase he cries and they needed me. It is the nursery policy for the first week of attendence if not more depending on the child. Then i have to come back and cook, and maintain other household issues. Plus my father's illness, I am unable to visit him regularly. In addition to those pressuring me and the effort i make to be amicable with them. To be patient and to cope with all their attitude problems .. i withstand people, but no one seems to be doing that with me from amongst those around me. that is my main problem. I need a word of encouragement and all i get is pressure, rudness, lack of appreciation and more over accustaions of different sources!
I do not mean any harm, i explained to whomever i was speaking to i did not mean anything bad by not calling and i said i am going to the engagement is that not enough? and i did call the girl getting engaged. I was still lectured and accused of being an insensitive woman who knows no good about ethics and compliments! It is only 10:55 a.m and this is a new day.
I end up blaming myself and feeling i am a no good person! and that really stresses me out because i swear to God, i try to always not bother anyone and try to calm situations down, but no good. Maybe there is something seriously wrong with me after all! But i still am always trying and will keep trying and will always make efforts to please God. I just hope i am trying hard enough and good enough in the eyes of God, but alas! even that Iam begining to doubt.
Alhamd lillah anyway
Dal,
You're strong, smart and mo'mena, and i envy your EMAN and strong will. We're humans, we all make mistakes, but the good ones are those who stop and think and regret and correct them.
I dont know what could be bothering you, Rabena yehawen w yekhafif 3annik ader ya kareem, i know all will be better for you b ezn ellah.
"Please pray for me and all people to die while doing any act of satisfaction to please God, not to die in disbelief, or while in the midst of a shameful act"
May god grant you, and us, just that Dal, Ameen ya rab el 3alameen.
Glad your father is feeling a bit better, may god speed his recovery.
Chari,
Strong is not really applicable, struggling to stay strong and to correct myself is the category i fall under at the moment. But I still say Al hamd lillah for not being obsinate or arguing about things as some people do wal 3eyatho Bellah. We all need to stop and think as you mentioned, and God likes that.
Kolo banu adam khatta2, wa khayro Alkhata2ouna al tawaboun..
All mankind do sin, but the best of you are those who repent (continuosly).
I just love the way you people are, You are all blessed with beautiful hearts. You all make such a difference in my life and i am sure in ohters as well. THank you for your Amens about my prayer, may Allah grant us all the prayer.
WHat is bothering me is a very big issue, mainly the lack of consideration and containment i'm facing, but come to think of it, now having you people in my life, there is a great balance, and that too i believe is a gift of solace from our merciful, loving ALLAH.
The love and care of people are very valuable feelings we all need, even here where non of us have even met in person, yet it is miraculous how we all manage to share all these lovely feelings and manage to support one another.
I can't think of anyhting to write but: Al 7amd Lillah, and God bless you all.
Chari, I pray all is well at your end ya 7abebty. If you need anything done from my end, Cairo that is, please tell me. I will not hesitate if it is within my capability.
Dad is alright al hamd lillah, he went to the Friday Prayers today and last week, but with company, since he cannot be left alone yet.
Al hamd Lillah for whatever progress so far. But the speaking is not in full sentences yet. Words are still not so great but at least he is uttering something. His awareness is much much better and he is persistant on handling the accounts and issues of the building. it is a good motive from my point of view.
He even does all the calculations and issues the reciepts of maintenece and other expenses for the residents of the building, and quite accurate and organized as well masha'Allah.
Al hamd Lillah, he is doing great. Thanks to Allah and all your duaas and others as well and ofcourse the mercy of Allah
Dear Dalulla,
I don't know what to say! The girls here said everything.
I just felt like saying Good Luck we rabina ma3aky.
Miss u a lot:)
Ya wonderere ya gameeeeeela, Thank you for every thing.. Just jotting down a few words means pleanty.. It is not the quantity it is the quality and meaning of ur presence.
I really love you all soooo much and i pray that someday, maybe we can all meet... Begad i would love that soooo much.
Wonderer, rabena ma3ana kolena ya rab, we yarab nekoun always there for one another the way we are now..
:-) Insha'Allah kheir... Rabena yarzokna wa iyakom al sabr wal 7amd 3ala al kadar dayman.
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