Marriage? Why? Tolerence? Kindness? Society?
Sub7an Allah (glory be to ALLAH)
I read a joke about marriage. I did many times before, and the jokes are sometimes so funny. And sad enough are true, but portrayed in a comic way.
I do have a problem though. Maybe I am too much into reflecting on things. I realized I cannot take things just as they are. I automatically find my brain working on the deeper and more serious level. I find myself coming out with morals of stories and incidents, sometimes even Walt Disney movie cartoons! Or something might stimulate me to do something. Usually positive, since I hate pessimism by nature. I had a tough life, so I always have this urge to find ways to make life easier, more constructive and idealistic. I want to leave this life feeling I made efforts to make it fruitful and acceptable by God. I always had this urge in me, but it grew and still is growing after I was blessed with my son.
After I read the joke a Roora's site, I just sat back and thought to myself, why? Why is it that most married people loose the beautiful feelings and moments they started with in the first place? Why not try to increase those feelings and building on them rather than giving into the routine and boredom almost every couple are experiencing now a days? Why can't married people be in a never ending state of Romace most of their lives?
I am quite aware that life is filled with difficulties, but even those can be dealt with in a loving way. Or so I am convinced. But it has to be a two way conviction and I believe that is what would make it work. I also happen to believe so, because I have in fact met or read of people that lived and died this way. They started their lives with love and died in a state of love.
I happen to have a theory behind this issue. Marriage is the Justified and 7alal (Religiously acceptable) way of a man and woman being together under one roof. Before marriage every thing is sweet and all. after marriage it becomes somehow gradually sour then tasteless! The reason being i believe is SATAN. I have a conviction HE is the source of all evil, at least always the initial spark is from his bestowed –unwanted and undesirable- favors on humanity, and many people fall to that initial spark and, oops, before you know it, the spark becomes a big fire! Extinguishable, yes, but leaves lots of damage!
He tries to make the man and woman loose interest in one another, thereby creating problems, thereby leading to weak family ties, thereby, leading to a weak society, and finally guaranteeing lots of burning souls in hell with him in eternity! Or at least for a very long time.
When a man and woman whom happen to be the back bone of a family, are not content, children will never be content and will grow to be fragile individuals in society.
There should be respect between married couples. Respect leads to many other things. Mainly strong love, compassion, understanding, and most important of all "tolerance". Tolerance is an important aspect that we should work on seriously.
I would like to give an example. Many men go to work and come back home after a long day thinking they were the only ones having a difficult and harsh day, whilst the woman also has lots to do around the house and kids. Instead of sharing his miseries or anger of whatever it is he encountered throughout the day, he simply takes it out on his wife. And more over he not expects, no feels it is an obligation for some reason that she must cope and not be upset! I find this shocking. Islam doesn't encourage this attitude at all. In the Holy Quraan, Allah said a wife is a sakan (a home), never did God imply a woman is a trash can, or a boxing bag or anything of the sort!
Some women are unbearable too. Some happen to be so selfish and sometimes they are just bestowed with husbands that are too kind, but at some point they pop, or die popping!
Many different situations I am sure most of you are aware of tons and tons of stories.
Conclusion is, both men and women must learn to properly direct their anger. To contain it, to feel for one another. And incase one looses their temper; the other should try to be wise. To try to avoid anything that will elevate the situation. In turn the partner that lost the temper should be able to appreciate their partners tolerance and wisdom, and talk about what made them loose their anger and be strong enough to make up for it one way or the other.
Kindness is a quality we should all work on. Tender hearts are those whom Allah repeatedly referred to in the Holy Quraan as being the closest to him.
Apart from the main subject, we as members of society must train ourselves to have tenderness in our hearts. I am Positive it will make a great difference in so many aspects of our lives. We need to work on encouraging good traits amongst us.
I read a joke about marriage. I did many times before, and the jokes are sometimes so funny. And sad enough are true, but portrayed in a comic way.
I do have a problem though. Maybe I am too much into reflecting on things. I realized I cannot take things just as they are. I automatically find my brain working on the deeper and more serious level. I find myself coming out with morals of stories and incidents, sometimes even Walt Disney movie cartoons! Or something might stimulate me to do something. Usually positive, since I hate pessimism by nature. I had a tough life, so I always have this urge to find ways to make life easier, more constructive and idealistic. I want to leave this life feeling I made efforts to make it fruitful and acceptable by God. I always had this urge in me, but it grew and still is growing after I was blessed with my son.
After I read the joke a Roora's site, I just sat back and thought to myself, why? Why is it that most married people loose the beautiful feelings and moments they started with in the first place? Why not try to increase those feelings and building on them rather than giving into the routine and boredom almost every couple are experiencing now a days? Why can't married people be in a never ending state of Romace most of their lives?
I am quite aware that life is filled with difficulties, but even those can be dealt with in a loving way. Or so I am convinced. But it has to be a two way conviction and I believe that is what would make it work. I also happen to believe so, because I have in fact met or read of people that lived and died this way. They started their lives with love and died in a state of love.
I happen to have a theory behind this issue. Marriage is the Justified and 7alal (Religiously acceptable) way of a man and woman being together under one roof. Before marriage every thing is sweet and all. after marriage it becomes somehow gradually sour then tasteless! The reason being i believe is SATAN. I have a conviction HE is the source of all evil, at least always the initial spark is from his bestowed –unwanted and undesirable- favors on humanity, and many people fall to that initial spark and, oops, before you know it, the spark becomes a big fire! Extinguishable, yes, but leaves lots of damage!
He tries to make the man and woman loose interest in one another, thereby creating problems, thereby leading to weak family ties, thereby, leading to a weak society, and finally guaranteeing lots of burning souls in hell with him in eternity! Or at least for a very long time.
When a man and woman whom happen to be the back bone of a family, are not content, children will never be content and will grow to be fragile individuals in society.
There should be respect between married couples. Respect leads to many other things. Mainly strong love, compassion, understanding, and most important of all "tolerance". Tolerance is an important aspect that we should work on seriously.
I would like to give an example. Many men go to work and come back home after a long day thinking they were the only ones having a difficult and harsh day, whilst the woman also has lots to do around the house and kids. Instead of sharing his miseries or anger of whatever it is he encountered throughout the day, he simply takes it out on his wife. And more over he not expects, no feels it is an obligation for some reason that she must cope and not be upset! I find this shocking. Islam doesn't encourage this attitude at all. In the Holy Quraan, Allah said a wife is a sakan (a home), never did God imply a woman is a trash can, or a boxing bag or anything of the sort!
Some women are unbearable too. Some happen to be so selfish and sometimes they are just bestowed with husbands that are too kind, but at some point they pop, or die popping!
Many different situations I am sure most of you are aware of tons and tons of stories.
Conclusion is, both men and women must learn to properly direct their anger. To contain it, to feel for one another. And incase one looses their temper; the other should try to be wise. To try to avoid anything that will elevate the situation. In turn the partner that lost the temper should be able to appreciate their partners tolerance and wisdom, and talk about what made them loose their anger and be strong enough to make up for it one way or the other.
Kindness is a quality we should all work on. Tender hearts are those whom Allah repeatedly referred to in the Holy Quraan as being the closest to him.
Apart from the main subject, we as members of society must train ourselves to have tenderness in our hearts. I am Positive it will make a great difference in so many aspects of our lives. We need to work on encouraging good traits amongst us.
By the way, I am not only a dreamer, I am a realist as well. I do know dreams can come true if we work hard enough for them to! Or at least die trying knowing we were not passive :-)
posted by Dalulla at 4:11 AM
5 Comments:
i understand what you are saying Dalulla. i think that a lot of the trouble comes from 3 things
1. men and women getting married for the wrong reasons (fairy tale romance, looks, unrealistic dreams) and forgetting that the reason to get married is to get comfort (sakan) mawadda and ra7ma (mercy and compassion)
2. people forget what marriage is all about. it is not about getting your way (for guys) and having a house with a husband to pay the bills (for women)
3. incorrect views of the rights and oblogations of each partner. a lot of men seem to not really know, they just think it is their right to be happy at all times (women's job) and have his way regardless, and that his only obligation is money.
also apathy for the partner. thinking only of yourself, what you need and want.
this has been troubling me too. men abuse their rights. God has given them kawama on us, to be used fairly and justly. they seem to think anything is their right.
for this reason, i have got several tapes by different scholars about the correct roles of a wife and husband. when a husband treats his wife justly, she would have no problem with her obligations, being nice to him always, obeying him, because he is doing his part too. if his part is compromised, the equation is distorted, and it beocmes more difficult for the woman to be a good wife.
i think (this is just my feeling, God forgive me if I ma wrong) that kawama was given to men basically because they are more rational and less emotional than women, thus more able to control their temper and do their rights. also because they are responsible for doing most things for the wife out side the house (which was back then very tiring and a big responisbility in its own).
now because of the change in this equation, women paying in the house and helping out alot, soemtimes the woman is more responsible than the man, also the man does not give her all her rights, therefore the women can't do her part. it just doesn't make sense anymore. and a good muslim would probably do it anyway because she wants to do the right thing, but it will be forced, won't feel natural and will be hard. Islam would never impose something that is not natural coming to our nature and instinct. after all God has created us and knows our capabilities and needs.
if married people get to think about why they should get married, i think alot of the broken down marriages would not have taken place in the first place. and compromise has to be something that BOTH parties would be willing to make.
hi dallula, i want to add something on dosharm all what you are saying can ve concluded that there should be some mercy from both sides, men have obligation and women do , it should not be abusing , there should be mercy from both sides and they are both willing to give up some of their rights and the roles so as to comfort the other partner.
Believe me , the pscho effcet on this role is great , i mean of the man or the woman just showed that they care on the other side , even if they didnt do something much but just the feeling adds up and makes great relief , that the other side is caring enough for the other.
Alsalamo alikom Doshar and roora,
You both commeted so beautifuly.. Every word you said is right.
Respect really works things miraculously. When a love realtionship is based on respect of all aspects of an individual the relationship works out smoothly. Respect of feelings, of ways of thinking, having disucssions rather than fights, feeling for one another at moments of exhaustion or bad temper. But really it is a two way thing and non of the concerned parities should abuse their God given rights towards the other, or in other words, should understand what God commaned and what Prophet Munammed taught about a husband and wife relationship, and also parents and childred, not only in terms of children respecting parents, but also for parents to facilitate and ease the process of Bir on their children again by having a respctful relationship amongst all members of the family. Kids also must have their own share of respect from their parents. All of these come from the day to day relationship between the husband and wife.
If only married couples take it upon themselves to want real bad to be part of a successful and respected Ummah, then they will do every thing possible to work on this respect issue and plant it well in their children. Wallahi, our society will be so much better.
I pray we can all be constructive to our Ummah. Be amongst those whom Allah is pleased with and blesses! Be amongst those whom Prophet Muhammed (Allahoma Saly 3aleih) will also be proud of!
I am just proud of what you said Dalulla, your words are really true.
If only all married couples could try to apply this, happiness will be all around.
Dear Eman M,
Jazaki Allaho khayran.. InshaÁllah kheir, that is why i am always trying to spread the word.. the Positive word that will bring true happiness to this world and to the after one as well. Rabena yehdy Ummet Muhammed and all people everywhere!
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