Thursday, March 23, 2006


Seems the pressure has been building up lately from so many directions. Yesterday in the car on my way to granny's I screamed from pain. I could not move in any direction or even adjust the way I was sitting. I felt sorry for Omar, he was shocked, my husband was shocked and so was I!

My side was aching so badly. Extreme sharp and piercing pain on the lower left hand side of my abdomen.. I have had a history of a nervous colon, but at that point I did not know whether it was my kidney or colon.

Today I went for a check up.. Colon is inflated big time! I knew that the sudden pain attacks were from it but was not sure. When my aunt saw the way i was when i arrived at granny's, she said she wanted to have a look at it. She is a doctor. A very clever ultrasound specialist.

She freaked out when she saw the size to which it had been inflated... Oh well..

Please pray for my colon to de-inflate because it hurts.

Pressure? Well, I don't know about that one. We all have our share. I do try to avoid it, but it barges in unwanted (and lately in excess!). I do not like the idea of feeling down or giving in to it or any derivatives of anything that may cause sadness. I try to rise above the situations, but it is not easy. Even when you think you did, your poor body still suffers some way or the other.

I do hope this passes peacefully.

A requested mission to my blogger friends: Please remember me in your prayers, I know this may sound silly, but I do need your prayers for my colon to get back to normal.

Ya rab anta alshafy al mo3afy Eshfeeny washfy kol mareed… Oh Allah you are the healer please heal me and heal all.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


One day ends, a new one begins.
Many lives end and many others begin, but all on the same day.
It is the same sun however, rising and setting this earth.
It is the logic God created and the proof is all mankind know it and naturally accept it
otherwise there would have been no new borns at all!
Life is but a short journey, may it be a fruitful one
for me, you and all mankind.
Amen Amen Amen

It is so fascinating how a person can go through so many different emotions of extreme on one single day... Stress, happiness, sadness, loneliness, and many more.

This past period of time has been like this, during the same one day so many issues all at the same time and with extreme emotions. This is the mercy Allah has bestowed on us. The balance we experience and that keeps us going.

There are two things that I really wanted to point out to with regards to today. Today was a day that had two extremes. Condolences to a very dear friend and visiting a new born baby.

The worst thing was most of the day Omar wasn't with me since it would not have been appropriate to take a three year old while giving condolence to the deceased's family. That was one thing that was making me feel lonely and worried. I don't like it when my son is not around me, especially when he is not feeling so well. He had diarrhea and I was worried about him, but his presence with my mother and his nanny to help mom with him. Mom is the only person I can leave Omar with, she knows how to handle him to a comforting extent (however I can never feel complete comfort except when he is with me…) take care of him.

S, who is an old and dear friend, lost his father the day before yesterday. Only the way he found out was painful. He works abroad, and his wife has been in Cairo visiting for the past two months or so. His father had been admitted to the hospital a couple of months ago suffering liver problems I think. So S was aware his father was seriously ill. He was here in Cairo when his dad had been admitted the first time, but then S sadly had to leave because of his work. Anyway, a couple of days his wife who is also a dear friend calls me and she tells me that her father in law passed away. Only S's mother did not tell him that. She told him to fly to Cairo since his father was very ill this time. S gets on a plane yesterday and is coming to see his father only to find out on the plane His beloved father had already passed away!

S is a very emotional person, extremely gregarious, always manages to make people smile, gets people from here and there gathered every now and then, and is very good at staying in touch with all those he loves and cherishes. The following heartbreaking sms (short message via mobile) was received by me and my husband as well as all his friends before he even arrived.

"I write this message on a plane alone going home to see my sick father. I look in the newspapers shocked to see his name. To the newspaper, he is but a name; to me the world. This world had gone with him passing away. May he rest in peace....... Condolence: 14 March (details and place) . S.A."

Every one's heart ached for him. We all do for our loved ones losses and grieve. This message made me and everyone else sense what pain and shock poor S went through, all alone on that plane. He knew that his father was sick, the thought of him dying may have crossed his mind, but to find out by chance his father was already gone, and that he will not even be able to kiss him farewell and join in the prayers for him as he is placed in the grave is a difficult situation. God knows, maybe it would have been harder for him to have been present as his dad was taken into the grave...

S was at the mosque today, standing, wanting to cry but holding the tears inside. His younger brother B was standing next to him along with other men in front of the men's hall. Basem seemed very distressed and exhausted.
As Ulysse and I approached the entrance of the mosque leading to where they stood, I fought so hard to hold my tears. S's mother was an ambassador for many years, always traveling for long periods varying according to her assignments. Uncle M was the one taking care of S and B.

B has wide bright colored smiley eyes. Tonight they were puffy and watery. S the same. Their mother was holding up at the beginning when I arrived. But as I left, I left her with tears and agony.

On the way back Ulysse and I were silent. The sms was echoing in my mind. My son was still with mom, but she had taken him over to my grandma's with my aunt and her eldest daughter.

I agreed I would go over to her house to pick up Omar's bag then maybe will pick him up from granny's place. On the way to mom's house, my cousin's new born came to my mind. My cousin is staying with her mom and dad now a days and they are real close to where mom lives. I found myself saying Z (the baby)... I wish I can see her. Ulysse was extremely tired but sweetly proposed we go visit her. I did not get a chance to see her since the day she was born (Friday, March 3rd) and he knew how much I wanted to and he sensed my need to do so at that particular time. I am so thankful he proposed to go there despite his exhaustion.

I passed by mom's, picked up Omar's stuff then headed over to my uncle's to see Z. There is something that many friends and family find awkward about me (i have no clue why). I have excessive motherly instincts towards people around me. To a great extent with my cousins and my sisters. N my cousin who has been blessed with Z is about eight years younger than I. I am the eldest amongst the cousins from my mother's side and the second eldest from my father's.
When N got married I held her so tight and cried tears of joy to see her getting married and beginning her life with her adorable husband S. Now N is a mother!!! The second after me. But I feel as if I were her own mother! I actually had cramps the day she was schedualed for delivery. All through her pregnancy I was waiting anxiously for her baby. I used to kiss her stomach before even greeting her with a kiss herself, always smiled at her and told her, sorry baby comes first now. I used to speak to Z and tell her that I love her and that I can't wait to see her come to this world safely.

Z is a lovely but very tiny girl. Today was the first time I got to carry her close to me. She is really tiny! I could not take my eyes off her face. She was sleeping almost all the time. N offered tea and cake. I could not leave Z, did not want to. But then N's mom came laughing, took her and told me to eat and drink my tea.

I am in love. Totally in love with Z. She comforted my unease just by being in my arms. Just by looking at her innocent face I was over whelmed with joy. I did not forget S or his pain, but there was a balance. Allah is merciful. He designed us with versatile emotions. One can be so sad, then something comes up out of now where and creates and emotional uplift.

Best of all, when I went to granny's to pick Omar up, he greeted me with so much warmth and longing. Al hamd Lillah (all due thanks to Allah).

Today, I contemplated on this life and its immortality, was vividly reminded that some day my own life will end. I thanked God for being able to recognize that quite frequently anyway, but today was a strong reminder. It helps one to work even harder in whatever short time we have for the after life (eternity) and makes us count our blessings and thank God for them. It makes us get over weaknesses and sadness or at least helps us to become more patient knowing that it is highly rewarded by Allah (to be patient that is).
Z reminded me of the beauty of life and its warmth and present innocence and beauty. She reminded me of Omar when he was he was a small infant like her. The love and warmth in that house and the smiles made me happy. The happiness in all their eyes and my husbands cheered me up. Omar made me feel so loved and missed during the hours he spent far away from me. He made me feel I am lucky to have him, to have my husband, to have a mother that is helpful and reliable. I saw granny and kissed her hands as usual and in the short time I stayed there I remembered my childhood in that home and now my son also had his moments to leave a memory in that home (of course not the first time). Omar also kissed granny good bye and kissed her hands lovingly as I do. He kissed my mother good bye and my cousin too. Too bad my aunt was praying, so I did not get a chance to say hello or good bye.

Next Friday is N's daughter's birth celebration, we call it a sebo'o (a word derived from the number seven), it is an Islamic tradition to celebrate the coming of a child after seven days. but this one should be named something else since it is not after seven days, lol.

The whole family and other families will be there. I cannot wait. I love our family gatherings; they are so full of love and unity.
I do pray all humanity can celebrate something of the sort. Amen.

Last but definitely not least. My prayers to uncle M, S and B's father to be granted by Allah forgiveness, peace and for his grave to be part of the heavens above. Amen Amen Amen

May Allah forgive us all for any sins and may he guide us to what will be of real use to us after we part this life and move on to the next. Till the Greatest day, the Day of Judgment when nothing will suffice for us but our deeds in this life time and His never ending mercy and kindness which He himself has promised all mankind. Lucky are they who understand and act accordingly, May I and you be amongst those who do so. Amen Amen Amen.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Why all the pressure?

Why all the pressure? I sometimes wonder why people's standards of judgment can be so unfair. When you say what you think is right and here i mean not what you think as in a personal opinion, but according to certain well known standards of ethics, morals and religion, people still do not like what you say and accusations begin.

For example, say you are a person who does not like garlic in their food. You hate it to the extent that you can sense it even if it is in traces. Can anyone blame you for not wanting to eat from that food? Would you still cook food containing garlic even if in minute amounts knowing the person you are inviting hates it so much?

Or for instance a friend so dear stabbed you so hard so many times in the back. You kept forgiving but one time the stab was too much to handle. Can anyone blame you for not being able to deal with that person again? Can anyone force you to be in the same place with that person even if the gathering is essential? Can anyone blame you for not wanting to be in the same place with that person especially if you are going through a health crises and feel u do not want that person to see you in that state???

Here's more. What if you were totally resisting the idea of being in that same place, but were convinced by those dear ones who want you to be there that that person is not going, then you finally agree. What is the point of bringing up the persons name again and asking: What "If" that person were there, why can't you come anyway??? !!!

Why? Why bring it up again? Why after the person in pain felt assured and appreciated that their worst fear will not appear in front of them bring the subject up again and press on it??
What if that person in pain is your father and the other your step father? What if you have been brought up with that step father, but know for yourself what kind of pain he caused (regardless if u feel it or not, although it is obvious) and that he has caused so much emotional damage for your father, why keep pressing on a matter you know does not have closure and brings only pain to your father while his health condition cannot support such stress???? Even if You personally think that life goes on and so forth.. It still does not give u that right (from my opinion at least).

A father is a father. My father did not want for this person to take his place, nor did he give up on his kids. I did not want him either and I had very good reasons too, but did not interfere in decisions made, I know my limits but suffered anyway as a result. It is a long and complicated story and i do not wish to get into it, but I feel so much pain for Dad. I am worried sick for him and fear that this pressure may lead to a crises, I pray no.. but what makes me say so, is that it seems that Dad has been trying to seem ok to all of us before the stroke (although I knew he was not, because i too am not till this minute, but able to deal with it as best as I can because I am forced to not because I want to, imagine him) but the poor man has been holding it inside till it blasted in his brain with that stroke!

Dad's family has nothing to do with my step father, in other words, there is no way that he would be present near or far in any event concerned with their family. After an incident of pressure Dad has experienced lately from some one close also concerning the possible presence of my step father the following has happened.

Dad is supposed to get dressed up to go to my cousin's sons' birthday party, and then all of a sudden he says to his wife, I don't want to go. She asks why? It is a lovely day and it will be a nice gathering outdoors in the fresh air. He says what if A is there?!!! Major shock! WHAT???! She tells him, Sam, you are going to a gathering for your sister's son's kids, how can A possibly be there? He sadly says, maybe he will be there, you never know! She assured him that A will not be there and that it will be alright.

When i saw him that day, Dad did not seem alright, he hasn't sounded alright for some time after that session of pressure he went through.

Each one of us has different levels of tolerance to issues. Someone may be hurt from something and simply does not want to even hear of it. Why would anyone get angry at something like that? Especially if you are close kin to that person. Not only that, they believe strongly you have no reason to do so (even though some issues may be very painful and difficult to forget about)! Some times even for the sake of loved ones a person cannot step on their feelings and do what they want them to do. It is sometimes too heavy a burden to carry, especially when one is not in good health. No energy, too much pain are involved.

OK whatever... but I still say no one can feel the amount of pain someone is going through other than themselves. You may be able to feel for them, but to what extent? Definitely nothing compared to the person themselves. That has to be respected and the matter should be avoided.

Why is it so difficult to understand that? Why can't people just respect others' feelings and pain, rather than underestimating that pain and deciding what they can and cannot tolerate? Why do they give themselves that right?

Some kinds of pain may be resolved and with closure, but other kinds of pain no. and believe me, not because one does not want to, sometimes it is just way over your head. Otherwise in the Quraan Allah (Our creator who knows us best) would not have said that forgiveness depends on capability. Allah does encourage those who can forgive the wrong doers to do so, and it is highly rewarded. But if someone hurt you so bad and no two people can say that that wrong doing is variable but truly wrong according to ethics and morals and religion then a person cannot be accused of being black hearted or not forgiving (like murder for instance or betrayal).

This varies from one person to another and also depends on the problem that person may have gone through. A person may get along with their lives, but it is like a ghost haunting a person sometimes.

Am I being unfair? Or am I right?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

One Big Mistake!

I was watching Oprah's program a couple of days ago. I really love this woman and truly have so much respect for the person she is, for what she does for others, for how she manages to do and say things to bring happiness to those around her, most of all, for her honesty and straightforwardness. She is doing something great for the American society and for others as well. She is calling out for the good in people; she is trying to wake it up somehow, and of course not only that, she is a woman of action.

Each society has its bad side and good side. All our countries are filled with miscellaneous issues. Some bad, some good, some embarrassing, some ugly and so forth.. We all need reforms. We all need corrections.

What I really like about Oprah is she's always trying to bring out the ugly bits and pieces in the American society, but I'm sure not with an intension to make her own people look bad.. she does so with the will and intent of bettering the ugly and wrong.

I am an Arab/Moslem and that is the way I feel. I do not look at the negative issues she brings out and feel disrespect towards the American society as a whole. According to what I have learned growing up form my religion It is not right to generalize or judge in a general or negative sense and it is not easy to do so either (long issue). What I see and hear does make me real sad though (applies to my own country and people, not just Americans or others).

I've always liked the American way of living, the system, and many other issues, but bearing in mind it is "not perfect" and nor is any other society.

For many Arabs, and I think amongst many other citizens of many other countries America was always "The best", a "flawless system" of freedom and unquestionable democracy. This is and was not true. I do not mean to be offensive here, but what I mean is what I wrote above. No one and no where is flawless or with no negative aspects. But I must say Bush made a real big mess out of America's reputation! The United States was and is much better off without him.

Now come to the main point. What I wanted to speak about was something Oprah said as she interviewed a couple who decided to bring a stripper for their son on his sixteenth birthday party! My mouth and eyes were flung widely open almost all through the show… And I am not exaggerating!

Through out most of the talk show (since there was another person on the show earlier, a former porn star who was warning young women from falling in her mistake), Oprah said (not word for word, but I believe what I write will serve the same meaning): "What is strange is that nudity is not strange anymore in our society. Women are not valued.. They are treated in a derogatory fashion as if they were a mere object with no value"….

It is not just in the United States but in many other countries, but I "think" that America takes top of the list on that one… the porn business has become a very large industry.

Arabs and Moslems are always accused of not giving women their rights. Our societies are governed with religion which does give a woman respect and rights, at the end of the day, it does protect women (long story but we can discuss how in the comments). I know what I spoke of about rights and respect it is not always applied, but the problems our women face are not as bad as the ones women abroad do, whether in America, Europe or the Far East or else where Islam is not part of the judicial system as a whole since only parts of the Shariah apply. More over the types of problems are not in extreme as experienced elsewhere.

The lack of fulfillment of those rights and all due respect is precisely is the problem. If Islamic Law were to properly be implemented women would not have suffered the way they did or still do to an extent. Most of the Arab countries are not totally governed by the Islamic Law. But when it was applicable women's rights were acquired to the fullest (that is at the time when Prophet Muhammed lived and after him the time of the four caliphs Abu Bakr, Omar Ibn Al Khattab, Othman Ibn Affan and Ali Ibn Abi Talib Radya Allaho 3anhoum wa2ardahom May Allah bless them). I intend to post something more explanatory about women in Islam and before soon InSha'Allah – God willing.

Now, Oprah is not an Arab, nor is she Moslem. But she believes in God. I realized on several occasions she stressed on that throughout many of her talk shows, but this time, in that specific talk show, one of her guests addressing the father of the boy (subject of the second part of the show) asking him: where was that inner whispering sound, or God or conscience or name it what ever u want to name it," so Oprah said, I call that "GOD"…

I do agree with Oprah, God loves us, he watches out for us; He guides us, only we are too obstinate to listen... And the result is: we loose.

This obstinate attitude mixed with pride was so obvious in that show. The woman and her husband were guilty and knew it, yet tried at the beginning to sort of put up the not guilty mask. But the human heart is kind and pure, all that was proved at the end of the show that pride sometimes leads us to argue in an irrational way; trying not to look bad gets us blind sometimes and drives us away from the truth.

Again, Oprah is immensely good at bringing out the good in people. She always had and has this loving yet straight way of confronting people. She tried through logic and discussion to convince people that they have erred, and that we all do, but it is never too late to go back and correct our mistakes.

At the beginning of the talk show Oprah asked the woman (who had a fake confident smile on her face unlike the man who did not look so comfortable) if she regrets what happened. The woman smiling strangely said yes I do. Oprah wanted a clear answer, so she asked again, which part do you regret exactly, the whole issue or the consequences. The woman replied: the consequences. Oprah still wanted her to clarify. The woman and her husband were taken to jail and their whole family went through lots of problems as a result. The woman said (trying to keep the brave not guilty mask on): I should not have developed the pictures. At that point I was like WHAT????!!! And the same went for Oprah and her audience.

Can you believe they actually took pictures of the stripper and their sons and guests! Problem is the stripper totally took her clothes off, and not only that she was actually rubbing her body against all the young men ages 14-16 and some older, but of course the birthday boy was the one with the most attention as he lay on the floor (pants unzipped!!!) with the stripper on top of him rubbing her ……!!!!! Worst of all through the discussion, the woman was defending herself saying she did not show her sons something they hadn't already seen!!!!

At that point I was shocked… totally bewildered by the statement! And that was when Oprah said that the problem is that nudity is not strange anymore…!

The man on the other hand had a somehow different attitude. I could tell from the beginning he was very regretful for what happened. He did not want them to get the stripper when he was asked at the beginning, but said he was under pressure from a bunch of teenagers and his wife! (Oprah, guests and myslef in shock!). And he also said that when the stripper started undressing he was shocked and stood from a distance because he did not expect that to happen …. OK WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DID HE DO TO STOP THIS MESS?????

That was when the subject of the inner voice was brought up…but he ignored it, he gave in to his weaker inner self… The mother said she walked out, she was not going to watch and she was not about to let her thirteen or fourteen year old daughter who was just about to come in the house to watch either. How come??? And why let your sons watch? Ok they might have seen this before, but why would any parent on earth be the one to initiate such a … I cannot find the words to describe this… I am not the only one who had that feeling. All of Oprah's audience at the studio and herself could not imagine "how a mother and father could do that". This was "The Most Bizarre" Birthday Gift I, Oprah, her audience have ever heard of.

The reason I brought this subject up was because as an Arab/Moslem, I have one question. Why are we always being attacked and called backward? Why are our societies always accused of being mean to women? Is this not mean? For a country to allow prostitution, for it to allow strip clubs, for it to allow the women to degrade themselves the way they are. All this leads to excess in sexual harassment, to arousing men's sexual instincts in a dirty and many times hurtful manner, to treat women and allow them to treat themselves as if they were mere cheap objects, more rates of rapes some accompanied by murder, for very young women to loose their virginity and get pregnant and then throw away their children not necessarily because they want to, but because they are not capable of taking care of them, or not responsible enough, or not ready, so many reasons.

In our countries, fear of God and shame protects women from doing such a thing and if they will do it, it will be a big deal. Not saying it does not happen, because it does, but the highest rates are mostly amongst the uneducated and unreligious people. We cannot have single mothers in our societies...not married that is, except in certain extreme conditions. Due to this fact, a woman fears for herself, for her image, she feels the responsibility and preciousness of her body… It is valuable and not for sale. She cannot go ahead and easily make herself cheap. And yes I mean "cheap". A woman must preserve her rights to have a decent life and to provide her children with dignity and rights, rights to having the minimum of a normal life. Even if problems should arise and divorce takes place "at least" the kids know who their father is and can at least get a minimum settlement of child support. Many a times the judicial systems are totally a mess in these issues (again because the Islamic Law does is not implemented), but the young ones will not live not knowing who their father or mother is. At least they know their families…etc…

You can go ahead and check out the details of that particular show here:

If the above link does not work, go to and check out in the archives and check show on date:
Former Child TV Star Reveals the Biggest Mistake of Her Life

Finally my prayer to Oprah Winfry, a Christian American worthy of respect: God Bless you Oprah for what you did, doing and I am sure will continue to do.